Married women's holiday blues

I am the eldest daughter-in-law who has to prepare the ancestral ritual four times a year, including Chuseok and Seollal. As my husband has many siblings, almost 20 people get together in my house to attend the ritual. For the two major holidays they come over to my place one day before. That means I, as the hostess, have to prepare accommodation and three meals for the guests.

A few weeks before the holiday, I have to be ready to welcome them. I wash the bedding and clean every corner of my house on weekends. One week before D-day, I have to make kimchi and go grocery shopping (for the non-perishables needed) for the ritual.

On the eves of Chuseok and Seollal, when my two younger sisters-in-law come with their family members, our holiday work starts in earnest. The three of us go to the street market after lunch. The food for the ritual must be immaculately fresh.there's a lovely winter hypodermic needle cannula by William Zorach. Following my grandmother`s imprecations, we pick out the best of everything: fruit, meat, fish and vegetables.

We divide the cooking tasks: my two sisters make five different Korean pancakes, songpyeon (rice cake for Chuseok) or dumplings (for Seollal tteokkuk). My job is seasoning five different vegetables and making soup. While we are cooking, my husband writes calligraphic jibang (an invocation to our ancestors). My brothers-in-law usually peel chestnuts and roast marinated beef and croaker fish.

As we must not eat the food before the ritual, I have to prepare our dinner separately. If we finish cooking early, we three women go to sauna together leaving behind the three men drinking, talking and laughing. This is a last opportunity to recharge ourselves before the next day`s service.

However, as the hostess, I have to go to bed last and get up earliest of all to ensure my guests have slept comfortably. After a near sleepless night, I get up early in the morning to start the longest and busiest day. While I heat the dishes my sisters-in-law put all the food on wooden plates.

Setting the ritual table is the men`s job. They put reddish food to the east, and white to the west. Fish should be in the east and meat, west. The fish head should be directed toward the east and the tail west. The number of vegetable plates and fruits on each plate should be odd numbers.

The ritual starts at 10 a.m. as my father-in-law was the third son. The entrance door should be open to welcome the sprits. Getting through several deep bows and pouring rice wine, the long and thoroughly-prepared process is over. Everybody sincerely prays to the sprits to grant their wishes during the ritual. We share not only the food but our memories of the deceased ancestors.

After having a meal, we hit the road toward our ancestor`s gravesite. By the time we arrive there, most of us are exhausted due to heavy traffic. We set another stone table in front of the graves. We all perform deep bows to the graves. The descendants, having shared this food, have almost completed the whole ritual

That moment is a turning point for me to change role from an exhausted and stressed out daughter-in-law to a happy and excited daughter. My family moves to my own parents` house. On arrival, I am treated like a queen by my mom. As a first daughter-in-law herself, she knows what a difficult time I have had so far. If possible, she wanted her three daughters to not marry first sons. She did not want her daughters to follow in her footsteps. Ironically, and to her disappointment, all three of us became the first daughters-in-law.

Some weeks have passed since Chuseok, but I still have minor symptoms. Through my experience I know that it will last for some time. And I know this is not only my own annual pain but that of my mother and my two sisters, and many more daughters-in-law in Korea.